June 11, 2017

One Step

またひとつ夜が明けて 誰の胸にも眩しい光が 差し込めば
過ぎた日を思うより 新しい何か見つけたくて 歩いた

持ち合わせの言葉じゃ 育てた気持ち伝えること 出来ずに
不器用と言われても 自分に嘘をつけないから 顔上げた

涙を隠して 笑顔見せた
今も聞こえてくる あの日のままの思いが

雨が上がり また歩き出す 昨日と少し 違う気持ちで
Hey 全てに意味があるさ

Another dawn has come When the bright light shines into someone's heart
Rather than thinking of the days long past, they'll want to find something new and walk forward

The words you have on hand weren't enough to describe the emotions that'd been growing inside
But though you might be told you're awkward, because you can't lie to yourself, you raised your head

Hiding my tears, I showed a smile
I can still hear the feelings from those days talking to me

The rain stops and we start walking again, feeling slightly different than yesterday
Hey Everything has a meaning
One Step [The Digitalian, 2014], 嵐 Arashi

//The right watch was a birthday present my sister gave when I was in my first year of housemanship.
The watch on the left was a farewell gift from my previous department, which marked my new journey

One week plus
I'm still adapting. Changing places, new environment, new routine, new challenges... I'm never really good at quickly adapting, hence this may also take some time.
I still have palpitations going to work in the morning...
I still have worries when I go back home.
I still feel anxious knowing next few days would be my first day, my first weekend round, will be my first oncall and my first weekend call...
I still... have reservation towards everything and everyone at this point of time.

No matter if I've tried to prepare myself mentally for months, knowing it and actually facing it in reality are two different things.
This is yet another first step I'm taking
When you think that you've passed through one hurdle, another one seems higher and bigger.
When I was 16, I thought moving to Terengganu and changed school, left with no choice to take one particular subject I was trying to avoid was hard... It took me 6 months to adapt.
When I was 18, 1 month in Matriculation, living alone, making new friends despite the fact that I was introvert was hard... hence it was huge relief when I was accepted into pre-university foundation programme in Perth; the transition wasn't as difficult as it was in Matrics...
When I was 23 and had to repeat from Year 2 uni, I thought that was my biggest hurdle... it was, at that time that is. I didn't know there were more to come... towards end of our study years, our batch had some problems and it drove us past frustration but all was well afterwards and we finally were able to start work by August-September 2011

And there it was, at 27, working 300+ km away from home, I changed... became more reclusive, suddenly much less talking apart from at work to a point my housemates were worried about me. I was in a defence mechanism, which was actually part of my adaptation process. It was almost similar to when I was 16, when we moved to Terengganu. And it took me 6 months to finally being able to say "I'm comfortable working this job."

At 29/30, you think I've been accustomed to a new place, especially when it's closer to home... but nooooooo.... again, it took me more than 6 months to finally like my job, the new place and new environment.

So what makes me think that at this age, 33, it would be any different? Especially when it comes with heavier responsibilities with added title of a student?

I still have this penetrating cycle of thoughts that questioned my decision to take this path; of 'why did I choose a harder road?' 'why burden myself when there's an easier choice?' 'now you know why a lot of people quit this programme, right?' 'can you do it?' 'won't you quit already?' 'why did you have to go out of your comfort zone'.
Honestly, they are suffocating. And they make me nauseated, anxious and almost regret my decision.
Until I realize that's exactly what happened back when I first started working, comparing myself with my other friends whose had weekends and public holiday to rest and spend time with their families and I envy them... Hence I need to break that cycle of thoughts and find other ways of adapting.

I'm lucky that I still have my parents close with me and home to go back to as a place of solace. I'm fortunate my friends are around when I need them. Things may and will get harder from now on but I need to remind myself that لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا (Quran, 2:286)

//These 2 were with me when we set off as houseman, and they came to distract me from work a few days ago